So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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