There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
