new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I AM VODKA MAN
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize
