plz talk dirty to me
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
