And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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