i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
