Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
