i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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