I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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