Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
