Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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