Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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