apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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