Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Randomize
