I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
