Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
We need to rekindle our bromance
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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