Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
