U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
