All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
