I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize