I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
This is not my ceiling
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
