someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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