He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
