I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
