last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
