Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
