dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
