So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
