Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
