dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
zippers are such a cool invention
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
