I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize