im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
