She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
