I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
