Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You ruined the universe
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
