My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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