Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
