my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize