i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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