Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
please come you make the beer taste better
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
