I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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