woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
