Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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