I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
