I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
