I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I want to make a zoo with you.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
