Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
