If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
