nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
