She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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