i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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