I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
