After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
bring money and cleavage
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
