I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
