Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize
